a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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