her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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