Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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