im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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