Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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