I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
