If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
