I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize