I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
