I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
