You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
