I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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