what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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