Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
