last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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