I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
