your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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