I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
