nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
