In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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