The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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