living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
