the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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