You smell like stripper and shame
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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