So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
