I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
