peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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