i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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