I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
