I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
