Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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