Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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