I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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