He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
