how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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