I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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