God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
