I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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