a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
