I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
