i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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