Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
