3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
