Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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