Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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