she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize