i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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