I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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