he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
