just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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