She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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