Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
