My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
