Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
