Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
