Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
