She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
