i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
