You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
