Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
