Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
