i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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