I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
