My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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