I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
